ACL: What We Really Want To See

Austin City Limits Music Festival is here! Whether you’re a tried-and-true festival attendee or you’re just looking to stretch your legs over the next couple of weekends, ACL has plenty of sights to offer (you may have seen or heard stories of Dillo Dirt, malfunctioning stage lights, and Ben Kweller’s innovative nasal tampon). So while we know who we’re going to see, we’re taking the opportunity to share our ACL wish list of what we’d like to see.

1% Probability

deadmau5 takes the iconic globe off his head and reveals himself to be Drake.

10% Probability

Foo Fighters enter the festival grounds via UFO and are beamed down to the stage.

The Strokes pull off their human skins and reveal that they are, in fact, the shape-shifting Reptilians behind the Illuminati.

The Zilker Zephyr train derails and drives through the festival grounds. Numerous hippies attempt to board the Zephyr but most just end up tripping.

20% Probability

Dust, rain, and heat come together in the festival storm of the century, transforming Zilker Park into a cross between Mad Max: Fury Road, Waterworld, and Sunshine.

Brand New seals their stage in cellophane to preserve their near-mint condition.

Nero is dethroned by an up-and-coming (but ultimately short-lived) electronic group, Galba.

30% Probability

Bassnectar builds for 45 minutes but never drops. Alternatively every one of Bassnectar’s build ups end with a drop into Hanson.

WALK THE MOON disbands after an unexpected transportation conflict when they realize they could just take MOON TAXI instead. The two bands subsequently form their own supergroup, TAXI THE MOON.

alt-J (∆) sells out, goes corporate, implements a strict copyright over all their material, and changes their name to alt-G (©).

40% Probability

Asleep At The Wheel misses their early afternoon set since they passed out in their van the night before.

The front row of Tame Impala’s crowd is a herd of hallucinogen-influenced antelope.

Dwight Yoakam tips the authorities off to Sturgill Simpson, who is arrested on-stage for his Outlaw Country exploits.

50% Probability

Gary Clark Jr. has his newborn child fill in for him on guitar – who is somehow better than him.

Alabama Shakes stops performing when the crowd refuses to continue gazing at their shoes.

In a pro-dental care attempt to pre-emptively counteract Fun Fun Fun Fest’s taco cannon, Flosstradamus fires barrages of dental floss to the crowd.

60% Probability

A$AP Rocky adds a runway to the stage, where ACL volunteers are subject to modeling the latest A$AP-brand clothing.

Future has an identity crisis when it suddenly occurs to him that he’s actually rapping in the present.

The Decemberists baffle the crowd when they perform a distortion-heavy, vocal chord-tearing, double-pedal kick-drumming heavy metal set.

70% Probability

Event entrance staff confuse George Ezra as just another millennial festival-goer.

Following a recent plastic surgery, Billy Idol literally appears as eyes without a face.

Disclosure becomes so trendy and hip that they refuse to disclose what stage they’re actually playing at, causing confused ravers to frantically pump their fists in attempts to echolocate them.

80% Probability

Countless dreadlocked festivalgoers are mistaken for The Weeknd.

TV on the Radio encounters a media compatibility issue and catches fire.

Shakey Graves enthusiastically adorns himself in Dillo Dirt.

90% Probability

Modest Mouse adds a third drummer to the band, and they can no longer all fit on stage.

Florence Welch finally confirms our suspicions – she is Björk’s costume designer.

100% Probability

Austin Kiddie Limits becomes the most mature part of the festival.

Though our predictions may not be entirely accurate, be sure to keep an eye on Zilker Park the next couple of weeks – some pretty unbelievable things can happen.

– Jack Anderson

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